mayonnaise!

So in the past week or so, there have been a couple of notable occurrences in my house that I feel are worth mentioning.?? A couple months ago, we became the proud owners of a Snackmaster toasted sandwich maker.?? Yum – grilled cheese, the easy way.?? So there you have it – so we started toasting a lot of things.?? We’d put almost any sandwich-like concoction into the Snackmaster to see if it could be improved upon.?? Well not really, only variations on “grilled cheese”, but still… some experimentation occurred.?? Most things were only good if they didn’t stray too far from the “grilled cheese” ideal – but I digress.?? So the other day I’m chatting with my roommate while she’s making herself a sandwich.?? She interrupts some sentence I’m blathering on about to say, “Don’t look at the mayonnaise.”?? I was kind of surprised and taken aback, but of course I watch as she squirts some mayonnaise onto her bread.?? Then she proceeds to make the sandwich, without spreading around the mayonnaise.?? I’m like, “Don’t you maybe want to spread that on the bread first?”?? And she’s like, “I told you not to look at the mayonnaise.”?? Crap.?? She knows me too well.?? So I’m like, “O-kay… where was I…. no, seriously Jen, aren’t you going to spread your mayonnaise?”?? She just laughs and we keep chatting.?? Finally her sandwich is done, and she places it in the hot Snackmaster to grill.?? Very shortly thereafter (too short a time for the cheese to have melted), a sizzling but more liquid than the usual cheese-sizzling noise erupts from the Snackmaster.?? I’m like, “Oh my God, that’s MAYONNAISE! THAT SOUND IS YOUR MAYONNAISE SIZZLING! MAKE IT STOP!”?? And there was genuine PANIC in my voice.?? She doubles over laughing really lound, and points out the GENUINE PANIC, at which we both crack up, because WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???? She insists it’s just cheese sizzling, and also that I ought to consider shutting the fuck up since she TOLD me not to look at the mayonnaise in the first place.?? I kid you not, the thought of sizzling mayonnaise caused me to YELP in horror.?? WTF??? I mean, I’ve never liked mayonnaise, but still… WTF?

So THEN, the other night, she’s in her room on her bed reading, and I’m standing in her doorway chatting as we’re both about to go to bed, and she has pajamas on with socks… and she starts to slip her socks so they’re only half-on her feet and the other half is flopping over the edge of her toes.?? And I’m like, YOUR SOCKS ARE COMING OFF!!!!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!! Again, genuine panic here, people.?? WTF!? I was seriously SO bothered by this.?? And she cracks up and yells “MAYONNAISE” because that has become a regular inside joke around the house now, for when Ginnie gets so riled up about some simple little OCD matter and full-on FREAKS out and?? yelps with genuine crazed panic in her voice.?? I was actually THAT BOTHERED by half-on socks, because I just hate the way it feels when my own socks start to slip off…

But seriously.?? What the hell is wrong with me??? I’d make an incredible fascist dictator.?? I’d impose all sorts of irrational rules and regulations that the people would be beheaded for not following.

I’d also make a really amazing assistant to that zany detective, Adrian Monk.?? I’m even blond!?? But I’m not a single mom.?? So I guess that one’s out.?? But seriously – I used to love that show, and I thought it was just because it was witty and funny and well-done…. now I’m concerned it’s because I deeply identify with the main character.?? WHO HAS ACUTE OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER.?? Holy hell, it’s been a weird coupla weeks.??

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